Sunday, July 04, 2004

The Bottom line on The Great American Bash

WWE: The Great American Bash

Great American Bash

--Let's hope that the superb video package isn't the best part of the show. I like the wrestlers with the lasers behind them. Especially the Undertaker

--Torrie Wilson comes out in Timewaster number one, as the
Diva's are the "Hosts" of the show

--United States Title. It's fatal 4-way style between John Cena, RVD, Booker T and Rene Dupree. Cena starts us off making the obvious Navy Seamen joke at Dupree's expense along with a very "blunt" statement to RVD. Basic 2 guys in the ring at the time until RVD hits both Dupree and Booker with ***** frog splash, but Cena rolls up RVD to eliminate him first. Booker and Dupree work on Cena until Cena Pumps it up and hits Dupree with the FU. Booker takes advantage, hitting Cena with the scissors kick, then taking out Rene with a pinfall. Booker hits the Chinlock after 2 unsuccessful pin attempts. Cole has already made 2 WCW references as it relates to the GAB and were not 15 minutes in. Side slam by Cena, leads into the 5 knuckle shuffle, then another Pump but Cena gets interrupted in midpump, don't you hate it when that happens. Booker misses the axkick in to the FU and that's all she wrote

Winner: John Cena (Still US Champion)

-During the replay, Cole calls Cena a veteran. Tazz gets a chance to verbally bitchslap him before I get to. WCW reference count up to 4.

-Backstage, Cena gets congrats from Charlie Hass and hits on Miss
Jackie. Hass started hitting on her too, but gets interrupted in his mack on by professor Angle, as Angle wonders why Charlie has fallen so far. Let's see, Miss Jackie or Kurt Angle...I'd say Ol Charlie is trading up. This leads to a match being made between Charlie Hass and Luther Reigns, Next. Damn, it's a good thing Charlie has his wrestling gear on and is right beside the entrance.

-Timewaster number 2: Sable interviewing herself about her match
against Torrie tonight. I don't know if there's going to be another
American Pie movie, but if there is I know who can play Stiffler's aunt. For god sakes, get her out of the water, she's starting to wrinkle.

-Charlie Hass Vs Luther Reigns. Reigns is accompitied by Mr.
Angle, who gave him a slap on the way in the ring. If Luther was smart, he fall down and piss himself, he could own half of Smackdown, but then again for 75cents and a decent lawyer, I could own smackdown. Power match as Luther shows his methodical (ie: slow) pace. Luther shows he's better then
Tyson Tomko on RAW by not falling on his ass when he delivers
a kick to Hass's chest. Messed up Irish whip sends Hass outside the
ring. Back in the ring, we hit the chinlock. Luther hits a nice Gorilla
press slam. For a power wrestler, Luther is not bad. Cross half Boston crab by Luther, leads into a pin sequence by Hass who nearly gets his head taken off by a clothesline. Hass gets a nice
T-bone suplex into an Oklahoma roll for 2. German suplex into
another 2. Hass hits the post, leading into the 'Roll the Dice"
neckbreaker for the 3

Winner: Luther Reigns

--Notice Kurt's wheelchair, the part he sits in is American Red, White and Blue, but the back is Blue, white and Red, so maybe Kurt will be the next French sympathizer. Then again, Maybe not.

-JBL talks about tonight's bullrope match and says the same thing
he's been saying for the past few weeks. Some people around the
world might agree that he is a real American and not as a

-WWE Cruiserweight Championship, Chavo Gurerro vs Rey Mysterio. WCW reference number 5, as they talk about Chavo's experience in Great American Bashs. and then follows it up with number 6, talking about Rey's matches at previous Bashs. They jaw at each other in the middle of the ring, as Rey gets the Bandito pin sequence for 2 and chavo hits the ropes. Another waistlock in to a floatover and roll threw for another 2. Nice chain wrestling to start. Chavo hits the arm bar early, in to Cruserweight moves #3 with the addition of a kick by Rey, into a armdrag and armbar. Leapfrog by chavo who hits the mat as Rey dives through into a springboard moonsault armdrag and a cover for two. Both guys working in the arm as they work WWE cruiserweight style. Chavo gets a springboard dropkick with Rey on the top rope, causing Rey to catch his knee on the ring on his way down. Chavo throws him back to the ring and starts the cross legbreaker and jumping on the joint from the bottom rope. Chavo goes over the top rope from a kick.
Chavo does take advantage with a kneelock around the post. Both
guys on their feet in the ring, allowing chavo to get a atomic
kneebreaker then a half-liontamer. Rey gets out with a few kicks to the head into a Bulldog (called a DDT by Cole). Mysterio's Knee buckles as he gets sent into the corner. Nice suplex from outside in by Chavo. Nice kick by Chavo sends Rey around for a 180, then does it again. Chavo hits into a Stretch Muffler, that Rey turns into a armdrag. Chavo uses the ropes for some more knee work, but gets a kick to the face for his trouble, as he also gets hit with a hurracarana. Rey gets hung up to dry on the Tree of Woe (/Kevin Sullivan). Rey manages to pull himself up to allow Chavo to hit the post with the Arm that Rey worked on earlier. Rey takes Chavo out with a senton to the floor from the top rope. Both men, after some recovery, head to the top rope, with both men hitting a facebuster. Chavo gets an arrogant cover, but gets rolled up for two. Slingshot to the middle rope for Rey, who hits a dropkick. Crossbody block into a side Russian legsweep that chavo kicks out of at 2. Rey goes over the top and manages to get a seated senton for another 2. Lefts and rights by Rey stopped with a rake to the eyes. Attempted huraconrana by Rey into a Gorybomb for 2. Inseguri sets Chavo up for the 619 and a blocked West Coast pop into a single leg crab by Chavo. Rey almost gets to the ropes but gets pulled to the middle of the ring. Chavo sits down on it, but Rey gets to the ropes, but the damage may have been done. Attempted Gorybomb by Chavo into a snap piledriver gets the 3 for
Rey. Match of the night.

Winner: Rey Mysterio (still WWE Crusierweight Champion)

-Timewaster 3. Torrie Wilson in a hottub with Spike, Funaki and
Kidman. Kidman is a lucky bastard. Funaki saying "God Bless America" is Classic

-The Bronze Warrior Kenzo Suzuki Vs Billy Gunn. How the hell did Billy Freakin Gunn get a match on a PPV? Cole starts the verbal Bj on Gunn by talking about the 10 time tag team champion, Tazz puts him in his place by saying it's a singles match so tag team means nothing. Collar/Elbow tie-up as Gunn teases a crotch chop. He wishes he was still that over. Gunn gets the first 2 count with a
fisherman's buster in a sequence that leads to another 2 count after the neckbreaker. Nice Jujitzu throw by Kenzo, leading to a nerve hold. Hey , Kenzo, Yokozuna used those for a reason 10 years ago, HE WAS 600 POUNDS!!. A Kenzo Flop with a chop to the throat back into the nerve hold. Kenzo really likes those chops, but he needs to realize that all the scary facial expressions won't help him. Tongan Death Grip~~~, maybe it's the return of THE MONSTER MENG, or not. Enough with the nerve hold, as Gunn fights out of it to go on the offensive, and it's very
offensive .Gunn misses the Fameasser in to the a Kenzo
Shining Wizard that missed by a mile gets 2. Kenzo runs into a spin slam. Gunn calls for another Fameasser, but Kenzo heads to the
corner and hits Gunn with a low slap that leads into one of the worst reverse neckbreakers I've ever seen that gets the win

Winner: Kenzo Suzuki

-BTW, The neckbreaker was so bad they didn't even show a replay
of it.

-Backstage, we see Paul Heymen with a tied up Paul Bearer. For a
guy that's been kidnapped for a few weeks, Paul sure has a nice
starched white shirt and perfect hair. Could they not even
loosend his tie. Heymen keeps talking about Undertaker doing the
right thing. The "right thing" would have been to no-show and cancel this poor excuse of a story line. Heymen says that he may not do the right thing, even if Undertaker does.

-Sable Vs Torrie Wilson: WCW reference: 7 ,comparing
Torrie/Sable to Dean maleness and arm Anderson matches. If you've
ever seen one of their matches, you've seen this one too. Kudos to
Michael Cole for bringing up "The Tasmaniac". Sable hits a "Perfect"
neckbreaker and that's about the only thing resembling wrestling
we've seen so far. Nice forearm by Sable, that leads to a criss-cross choke. Tazz has given up on the show, asking who has the blondest hair, Sable, Torrie or Charles Robinson. I'd say Charles. Both "wrestlers" hit, ahem, "heads" or more in reality, they hit silicone. Sable is playing possum, rolls up Torrie, who's shoulders never touch the mat ,and gets the three.

Winner: Sable

-BTW,second match of the night with no Replay of the finish

-Backstage, They show The Undertaker, then a shot of the "Titan" cement truck. It must of been a mistake as no one on Smackdown is that clever. (For those that don't know, WWE's former corporate name was Titan Sports)

-Back to the hot tub, As Dawn Marie is interviewing Rene Dupree, about the fatal four way. Rene hits on Dawn Marie. The FBI make a PPV appearance, with a Foot size joke, as Nunzio manages to pick up Dawn Marie. Maybe he has some of her ECW money.

-Mordecai vs Hardcore Holly: This should be a stiff match as Hardcore is taking on one more of them damn rookies that haven't paid their dues (/Holly) mmmm, Bob, not everyone has to be Sparky Plugg. Funny side line, At the Hall of Fame ceremony, Pete Rose talks about only two sports that takes care of it's fans, WWE and Nascar. Guess who's on the screen right after the mention of Nascar? Mr. STP himself, Hardcore Holly. Mordecai starts with a pieface, that just angers Hardcore leading into Holly tieing Mordacai in to the ropes. Irish whips sees Mordaci hit the floor,
Holly follows, just to get thrown in to Mordacai's symbol. A lot of
punches and kicks by both men, with Mordacai getting the better
part of it. Kick to the side of Holly's head leads to two. After the kickout, Mordecai hits the chinlock. Holly reverses a whip in to a hotshot, causing a unique double head butt spot. Holly gets a pair of stiff clotheslines then a flying elbow from the top rope for two. Inverted DDT gets another 2 for Holly. Sitout spinebuster reversal gets 2 for Moradacai. These two are bouncing the momentum around. Alabama slam attempt leads into the splash mountain bomb for the three.

Winner: Mordecai

-This ends what Dave Meltzer calls the three worst back-to-back-to-back matches in PPV history. That last match was also Mordecai's last win as he was squashed by Rey Mysterio the next week on Smackdown and the character was killed off, sending Kevin Fertig back to OVW for seasoning. More on that in the future.

-An ad for Summerslam airs..umm..Isn't Vengenance next?

-History package for the JBL-Eddy Gurerrero Texas bull rope match.

-WWE Championship Match: JBL Vs. Eddy Gurerreo: Texas Bullrope
Match: JBL gets absolutely no reaction, while Eddy gets a great
pop when he comes out. Each post has a light on it to show the corner has already been touched, as the match goes when all four corners have been touched in succession. Eddy gets a low dropkick to start, followed by a veil with the rope out of the corner. It's a rope choke. JBL gets the upperhand with a lowblow follow by some clubbering in the corner. JBl hits the first two corners but get stopped with another dropkick. Eddy takes over with a
backdrop and starts heading to the corners and gets two before JBL hits a clothesline and elbowdrop. Cowbell and rope whip to the back. Hangman's choke by JBL followed
by a shot to the forehead with the cowbell. Eddy gets hung up in the corner with the rope around his neck as JBL goes to the outside and pulls back. JBL heads to the Spanish announce table and pulls Eddy out to ringside and the English table. Eddy counters a powerbomb on the table with the rope around JBL's leg, taking over with some mounted punches and cowbells off JBL' s head. JBL off the post. Eddy roll in to the ring and out the other side, pulling JBL in to the post shoulder first. JBL pulls Eddy over and throws him into Michael Cole's lap. As JBl goes to get him, Eddy gets a chair and busts JBL open. Back in to the ring, Eddy gets another chairshot, hitting 3 posts, coming within less then a
foot of winning. Nick Patrick waves off the lights so Eddy starts again, getting 3 before JBL gets tied up in the ropes. Patrick waves off the lights, as the two wrestlers trade blows, JBL nailing Eddy with a kick to the face, leading into a DDT, getting 2 corners before eddy gets a lowblow and 3 corners before JBL whips him down. Eddy goes for the hattrick suplexes, nailing all three, Eddy goes to the top and hits the frog splash, getting 3 corners
before JBL rolls to the floor, causing Patrick to waive off the
lights. JBL to the stairs, as Eddy then tries to pull the larger JBL over the top rope. Bradshaw comes to the apron of the ring, then nails Eddy with the cowbell, with Eddy straddling the ropes. JBL veils Eddy off the ropes by the bullrope right to the Spanish announce table, that for some reason, does not break. The crowd now getting into it with a "Eddy" chant. JBL finally breaks the table with a powerbomb. JBL picks up Eddy and throws him back into the ring, heading for the corners. Tazz says that any part of the body can hit the corner for it to count, really? That's weird. JBL gets three corners before Eddy stops him. A JBL cowbell shot gets 3 but Eddy pulls him back and gets another lowblow to stop the momentum. Eddy starts whipping JBL with the bullrope with a choke. Eddy hits the corner, but JBL hits behind him, as he does on the next corner. JBL hits a clothesline, knocking them both in to the next corner for a 3-3 score. Eddy jumps over JBL hitting the corner, but JBL hits the corner as well with his back. Eddy starts celebrating, but here comes Kurt Angle, showing the finish, showing JBL hit the 4th corner. Kurt announces JBL as the NEW WWE Champion.

Winner and new WWE Champion: JBL

-Eddy gets a standing ovation as he leaves the ring. I think we can
thank CNBC for that title change, as JBL took one for the company,
getting canned by CNBC. Let's just hope Eddy gets it back at

-Ad for Fanatix series:Diva's in the south pacific.

-History package for the Concrete Crypt Match, originally called the
Do or Die match. They changed the name, because WWE doesn't do murder.

-Concrete Crypt Match: The Dudleys vs The Undertaker: The
Dudley's accompied by Paul Heymen, who stops at the crypt to
control the lever. Funny,l they never seem to show the crypt when the Undertaker comes out. turns out, whenever they show Paul Bearer, it was a pretape from the afternoon that leaked on to the internet. They couldn't show Paul Bearer when Undertaker came out because the lighting wouldn't match. Heymen starts to fill the Crypt before the match starts. going to Bearer's shins. Bubba wants 'Taker to lay down for the three. D-von leaves the ring and Bubba starts talking smack, and gets caught with a choke, D-von comes in and they both get caught, but while 'Taker gets distracted by Heymen, take over with some bodyblows, but
drop their heads too early on a back body drop attempt, leading to
Bubba getting kicked in the chest and D-von getting sent outside the ring, Bubba right behind him. Bubba goes to the table ,as D-von
goes to the post in a hammerlock. D-von goes back into the ring,
and Undertaker goes to the top rope for old school, as Heymen
pulls the lever taking the concrete to the bottom of Bearer's chest.
The Dudley's take over on 'taker, who plants Bubba with a DDT.
D-von comes in and gets a sidewalk slam for his troubles. Undertaker starts going to the back but gets attacked by The Dudley's. Heymen pulls the lever, sending the cement to Bearer's shoulders. D-von takes over in the ring with a chin lock on taker, who comes back with some body punches, but gets caught with a flying elbow. D-von makes the tag to Bubba who drops a series of elbows for the first 2 count of the match. The Dudley's now tagging on a regular basis, with some doubleteaming. Bubba nails 'Taker with a part of the announce table, throwing him back into the ring for a D-von two count. Bubba comes back into the ring, with punches to the head, but 'taker starts throwing punches
back, going one for one till D-von comes on, but Bubba gets a
sleeper, that's countered into a back suplex. Bubba makes a tag,
but D-von gets hit with snake-eyes and a boot to the face. Right hand into a legdrop by 'taker on d-von. Bubba gets met on the way in with a punch, as Undertaker hits them both with splashes in the corner. Arm ringer on Bubba leads in to a second attempt for Old School, that connects. Tombstone attempt into a low blow. Reverse neckbreaker on 'taker, no followup. Undertaker gets the zombie sit up. Chokeslam on Bubba. Tombstone on D-von for 3

Winner: Undertaker

-Heymen heads towards the cement mixer but one of those
indoor lighting bolts stops him. Undertaker goes towards the crypt
and bows to Paul Bearer. But Taker is staring at the lever, as Taker walks towards it, and pulls it as the cement goes over Paul Bearer's head. That's never shown. as a long shot takes The Great
American Bash off the air.

-Paul Bearer's death has been upgraded to severe internal injuries from the weight of the concrete, including damage to his lungs and trachea due to inhalation of the toxic material. So while they don't do murder, apparently attempted murder is fine.

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